The following is a post that I didn’t have the courage at the time to post, but I should have. I should have let you all know what I was going through. Maybe some of you were/are going through it too. This is pretty much why I haven’t been writing lately–because I didn’t feel like what I had to say was happy and peppy. But even the happiest/peppiest of girls go through dry spells. I am not immune to hard seasons. And 2009 was a hard one. But now it’s 2010, and I’m hoping/praying for a fresh start, and depending on His mercies anew every morning. Anyway, here’s the post I wouldn’t let you see a few months ago:
One of my favorite book quotes, from Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I’ve inevitably referenced on here before, is: “There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer them.”
I don’t have the heart or the energy at this very moment to go into all the gory details, but 2009 has been a year that has asked questions. Hard questions. It’s probably largely why I haven’t blogged very much in the last 6 months. I kind of feel like, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I feel like a capital-J Jerk because I have plenty of nice things to say; with this amazing husband and these four gorgeous, healthy children, an interesting, full life–I should have plenty of nice things to say every single day.
But instead, at the end of each day, I’ve been feeling like a phenomenal failure. My devotion wasn’t deep enough, my conversations weren’t kind enough/ encouraging enough, my attitude with my children wasn’t patient enough, my love for my husband wasn’t loving enough, my efforts toward my father aren’t enough to make him love me (or even talk to me), my ministry isn’t Japanese enough, my housework isn’t productive enough. I’ve just been feeling like my life is freaking impossible, that I just can’t do all this. Like it’s too much, and I’m just…not enough. I’m in a funk. Like a crying-myself-t0-sleep-often, feeling-like-crap-daily, maybe-I-should-be-on-Prozac kind of funk. I’ve been taking a long, lonely walk through the proverbial desert. And it sucks out here. And I haven’t been very happy about it lately either. I’m ready to stop feeling like this, or to stop letting these feelings control me. I’m just ready to move on. But I’ve been stuck for a while now. And I don’t know how to get out. Help!
Somehow I came out of it though. I don’t know exactly when or how it happened, but for the most part, I’m not feeling that way every moment of every day anymore. I’m thankful for that, but I feel foolish for not letting on earlier that I was feeling depressed. I imagine I could have solicited a few more prayers and gotten out of the desert a little quicker if not for my pride.
Anyhow, if you don’t mind too terribly–those of you who are the praying-ones–would you please keep me especially in your prayers, just in case I’m not out of the desert quite yet?