I am a constant almost-faller. As in, I almost-fall quite often, several times a day. I easily trip over random items, over my own feet, over other peoples’ feet, and sometimes over nothing at all. It makes me laugh when I’m with someone new and I almost-fall, and they are so concerned, “Are you okay?” I’m fine! This happens all the time! It’s just who I am, an almost-faller!
But a couple days ago, I actually fell. This happens every couple years. The actual falling. It was a rainy day and I was carrying a heavy and large new computer monitor down some wet concrete stairs on base, and at the bottom of the steps, I miscalculated how many steps I had left. And I fell right into a gigantic puddle, absolutely drenching myself and hurling the brand new monitor into the puddle with me (it’s fine–I’m staring at it right now.) Now if there’s ever a time to see what’s really in a person’s heart, it’s when something like this happens to them, which is why, upon reflection, I am concerned upon my response. First of all, I uttered “Crap! Crap! Crap!” about 10 times really fast (yes, that really is my dirtiest dirty word.) Not so ladylike. But then there were about 5 people who tried to help me up, tried to pick up the monitor for me, asked me if I was okay, etc., and here’s where I screwed up. I wouldn’t let anyone help me! In fact, I didn’t even make eye contact with them, and felt a bit agitated at their “Are you okay?”s. Just pretend you didn’t see that! That would make me feel better. There was a guy who just insisted on helping me with the monitor, and I begrudgingly let him (only because I seemed to have sprained both my ankles and my pants were soaking wet), and he kindly put the monitor in the back of my van. But I couldn’t tell you what he looked like for $100 because I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even look the guy in the eye when I muttered my red-faced, “Thank you.”
So because I think about myself entirely too much apparently, I’ve been thinking about what all that says about me, about whether I respond this way anytime I fall. (Like the other kinds of falling, the kind that happens a whole lot more than bi-annually.) Do I try to pretend it didn’t happen, even when I’m soaking wet? Yeah, sometimes. Am I annoyed at the people who saw me fall, and even irked that they would ask me how I am rather then just courteously passing on by? Um, yeah. What the heck is wrong with me? Well, after a few days of reflection and pondering (and more than a few OTC pain pills and band-aids and elevated, iced ankles), I think I’ve figured it out.
I am a woman full of pride.
Good thing I’m only 32. Plenty of work to do on this one still.
Totally with you on this one. Both the physical falling (I also average a bi-annual crash to the earth), and eyes down, don’t-look-at-me reaction to figurative “falling.”
Oh…and if I had seen you fall I would still be laughing. I know it’s wrong, but I’m diseased that way.
I totally thought of you when it happened for some reason–about how you and your mom always laugh at stuff like that. 🙂 (I was so into my shell at that moment, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed if someone HAD laughed!)